Continuing from yesterday, I wanted to write more about validation of self.  It's been a big topic for me, considering it's been one of the things I have struggled most of my life.  So I decided to make this Wednesday's word about self-worth.

SELF-WORTH

Dictionary.com defined it as the sense of one's own value or worth as a person.  It affects your confidence, your goals and your relationships.  It is your very own definition of you.  It can be affected by outside forces as well as inner thoughts.  And when a person has a truly healthy self-worth, they are able to accomplish incredible things and maintain healthy relationships.

But I think that the term self-worth is a misnomer.  I have spent many years trying to define who I was and what my worth was by both introspection and from what other people said of me.  I spent many years trying to control the way that people saw me, even the way I saw myself.  I would do anything to improve the way I was, from taking herbal supplements to listening to upbeat music to gathering as many friends as I could around me.  And none of those things are wrong, but in the end, and by themselves, they left me with this emptiness.  I was still questioning my value, still defining and comparing my self by the standards of Susie Q or some character in a movie.

So what was I doing wrong?  I think, if you have ever read my posts before, that there was one word in that last paragraph that would explain it all.  Control.  I wanted to control the way people thought about me.  I wanted them to think that I was not only better than them, but that they needed me to better their lives.  And I was in this constant struggle for control with those people around me.

Then it hit me, like a brick.  I was trying to find my self-worth in a horizontal way instead of a vertical way.  You can't control what people think of you because you have no idea what people think.  Oh, you can have a pretty good educated guess, but you can never truly read the heart of another person.  You can't truly differentiate what people really think of you and what your own fears tell you.  Here's what I mean:

I had a dream last night.  I was sitting on this brick ledge at college and there were some girls standing over in a group.  Satan came up to me and offered me a device to listen in to what those girls thought of me.  I put the headphones on and held it up.  I started to cry as I listened.  "Man, Katy has problems.  She will never be good enough to be our friends.  She is way too talkative and loud."  Then God passed by and looked at me.  "What are you doing?"  He asked.  I said through tears that I was listening to those girls and how much they hated me.  God chuckled softly.  He took the device from my hand and turned it around.  "You were pointed at yourself," he said, "Try again."  This time as I listened, I heard very different words.  "Man," thought one girl, "I hope no one notices that I forgot to shave my legs today."  "Oh my," another one thought, "I wonder why Katy is sitting by herself.  I wish she would come over here.  She is so much fun to talk to."  I took the headphones off and looked sheepishly at my Father.  "I guess it was my own fears and thoughts that I was hearing, right?"  God nodded, "But always remember, that I think you are such an incredible person who is loved so much.  I made you for a purpose and gave my own Son for your life.  You are very special to me."  He leaned down and hugged me with an embrace so warm and inviting.  "Now go be the child that I know you to be."  With that, he left as I started down the steps to the group of girls.

God tells us over and over again throughout the Bible how much he loves us and wants nothing but the best for us.  He has given everything so that we might have the chance to choose to follow him.  So I realized on this journey that I was trying to control things that I did not have any authority over.  And controlling my own self worth wasn't much better of a situation.  So on this path with God, each day, I am giving the control of my self worth to Him, trusting him to take care of me and my value, because who values me more than my own Father?  Who could compare to His love and acceptance?  No one.  Which is why I think Self-worth is a misnomer.  It is not self but God that gives you worth.  And your God-worth is incredibly higher than any self-worth ever could be.

Have you embraced your God-worth today?

This weekend, Michael and I figured we wouldn't have too much to do because most of our close friends would be out of town and there wasn't a movie coming out that we just HAD to see.  But the weekend had plans of its own I suppose.  And it was incredible!

Friday, Michael made me dinner.  It was steaks and Battlestar, and both were incredibly amazing.  He even set dinner out on the dining room table.  It was beautiful.

Saturday, Michael and I had a blast!  First, we slept in and stayed around the house all morning.  Then at 12:30, we went to the mall and ate at the Food Court.  It's the one place you can get Sbarro's pizza and a Sonic drink at the same time!  Michael wanted to go to the mall to see if there were any great deals on clothes and I wanted to get a housewarming gift for the party that night.  We looked around the mall for a bit, and then Michael gave me a surprise!  Godiva chocolate!  He wanted to do something special for me on this weekend off since it was just the two of us and he knew that I loved Godiva, so he made an excuse to go to this particular mall where this amazing chocolate store was.  We tried the truffles, which were SO good!  We had a mango truffle each (highly recommend) and then Michael had a dark chocolate truffle and I had a banana creme truffle.  After that we came back to the house for a bit until it was time to go to the Kerby's housewarming party.  It was our first real housewarming party.  We met a lot of people who go to our church that we haven't gotten to meet yet.  I even met another girl who is allergic to pork!  We also met another Mike and Katy, and their adorable little girl, Ava.

Then Sunday was Senior Sunday.  There were several Seniors at first service.  They talked about all the hopes and goals of each senior and gave them a gift.  It was really sweet.Michael and I ate lunch at Chipotle's.  It's this AMAZING mexican restaurant where you build a burrito, taco or taco salad with all sorts of goodies.  I tried a burrito today and I was STUFFED!  Highly recommend the restaurant!
We spent most of the afternoon napping and then went to the grocery for the week's food.  I absolutely love our grocery store because the cashiers all greet us and the butcher knows pretty much what I will order.  And then that tonight, Michael went to play basketball with some guys from church and I planned to do some cleaning.  But then I got a call and it was Katie from the housewarming party!  Her husband also was playing basketball so she invited me to hang out with her and her adorable little girl Ava!  We went to Starbucks and talked until her husband called on his way home.  We have a lot in common.  She graduated from Harding, although it was the same year I started, so I just missed her.  She is a really incredible person and I'm looking forward to knowing her more!

This has been such an incredible weekend of unexpected blessings.  It was absolutely wonderful and I can't wait to see what this week has in store for me!